There are many articles, books, and media about 'what to expect when you're expecting', but we are sorely lacking in the area of pregnancy loss and what to expect during that loss. So here I will attempt to outline a few of the things you may or may not experience as you move through this season of loss. You may have already had your miscarriage, or perhaps you are still in limbo, faithfully waiting to miscarry, but I am sure you can identify with at least one, if not all, of the headings and descriptions below. Before we dive in, note that I am not a doctor, and none of the advice I give should be used to replace medical advice. If you are concerned about any issues you are having, please consult your doctor.

Just because you know you have lost a baby doesn't mean your body knows, understands, or can deal with its situation. Your body is still dealing with hormones and changes that come with pregnancy. It can often cause resentment or self-loathing, but your body is amazing and is working for you, not against you. Your body is doing what it can to keep you alive.

What you can do: Rest. Like with pregnancy, it's imperative to take time to put your feet up, sit down, and take it slow. Think of what you might say to a friend who is going through what you're going through. Give yourself the same grace, love, and time to heal.

Unfortunately, you may still experience morning sickness because the hormones are still present. Sickness without the promise of a child daily can become a horrible reminder. With my first miscarriage, sickness became a retched constant that just wouldn't leave me alone. My first normal period seemed to set things straight, but it was a tough couple of months.

What you can do: The same things you would do if the circumstances were different, be kind to yourself, drink plenty of fluids, and try the following remedies:

Travel sickness bands
Dry crackers
Ginger
Smelling Peppermint oil

With hormones mixed with sickness and pains, you will most likely find yourself experiencing emotional outbreaks, irritability, and the overwhelming want to weep. Of course, we don't just weep because of hormones but also because of our loss. The loss can become all-consuming as you work through the stages of grief, shock, denial, depression, and so on.

What you can do: This is a good time to write or draw, expressing yourself artistically so you can release these emotions. You could watch a sad movie or invite a friend over so you can cry on their shoulder or sit in silence together. Sometimes, all we need is a little support, but people don't always know how to give it. Check out this article to read more about how someone could support you; this is a great article to send to friends and family so they can have an idea of how to be there for you as you need it. The article might also give you ideas of how you might want to be supported. You can also download the information in this article through clicking on the image below.

Sadly, many women still experience labor even though their baby might not have formed, has died, or won't survive after delivery. With my first miscarriage, I delivered an egg in normal labor fashion with contractions and pains. However, my second miscarriage was over quickly with very heavy bleeding, like a period. There were clots but nothing identifiable, and the pains were normal for a period, too. I have spoken to countless women who have experienced real labor before delivering a stillborn, blighted ovum, or premi baby.

What you can do: Prepare yourself like you would for any pregnancy, and have a birth plan. Think about who you want to be with you and support you through. Discuss going to the hospital if necessary, and talk with your doctor about your options, too. For me, the conversation with my doctor was short; she didn't warn or prepare me for what would happen, so when I began to feel the pains of labor, I was in shock and had no plans to deal with the situation.

Miscarriage is often nothing like what is depicted in the movies, where the woman bleeds a little, showing there is an issue, goes to the hospital, and then gets given the bad news. She cries, and that is it. Reality, however, is the polar opposite. Most women experience long wait periods where they're waiting to have their loss confirmed. They also experience intense bleeding and, as we said above, labor pains. This, for me, was nauseating; for my first miscarriage, I bled for a month with two 1-3 day segments where I wasn't bleeding. I had feared hemorrhaging as some women had spoken of the risks and their experience of being rushed to the hospital. I was glad I didn't have to worry about this. I was bleeding lightly and found myself praying for the bleeding to stop. After the delivery of the egg, the bleeding did indeed stop for a few days, only to carry on for a few days more. For my second miscarriage, the bleeding lasted a week and was just like a heavy period. I am usually quite light on bleeding, so it was confronting but nothing too traumatic.

What you can do: Get yourself a bunch of pads and get some incontinent nickers, too, I know that probably sounds gross and weird, but trust me when I say it's a lot more comfortable than holding a towel between your legs if you do experience heavy bleeds. Take it easy, keep up your fluids, and eat iron-rich foods. You're losing a fair bit of blood, so do what you can to replenish what you are losing. If ever you are concerned, if you feel lightheaded or like there is far too much blood, contact your doctor or go to the ER. Please note that doctors and nurses are not always helpful or useful in these situations and can say and do unhelpful things. This is where you must learn to advocate for yourself.

Like a ton of bricks, depression can hit HARD! You may think you're okay, and bam! The sadness pulls you down, and you feel like you're drowning in a sea of your own tears and emotional pain. It is normal and reasonable to have moments of overwhelm and sadness; you don't have to diagnose yourself or label yourself with anything. You have lost your baby, and you're allowed to feel all you need to feel. After my first pregnancy loss, there was a period of time when I felt hopeless and as if all the joy had left the Earth; I was confused and didn't understand how this had happened to me. I've spoken to several women who felt the same, and some felt it severally to the point where they contemplated self-harm and even suicide. If you are in this season and you are getting these negative thoughts, please know that you are loved and that one day, when you have come through this valley, someone will tell you how glad they are that you are alive and how grateful they are to know you. You, my friend, are wonderfully made, and even though the pain is bad right now, you feel hopeless. There is hope, and it does truly get better. You will smile again, and you will feel joy again.

​What you can do: Seek support; you could talk to your doctor, a counselor, or a life coach. You could go online and speak in spaces where people have experienced what you are going through. You could also talk to friends and family to let them know you are in need of support. If you're looking for an online community, you can join The Joy of Sunflowers Sisterhood Space, where I offer support and resources to help you through.

No matter what you go through, be it one or more of the above, you can be sure that you're not alone. This may not have been a club you ever expected or wanted to be a part of, but you are part of it nonetheless, and all of us are going through one stage or another in this journey through loss. If you are struggling or overwhelmed, do not suffer in silence; seek help, seek council, seek friendship. You truly are not alone. We are here.

Listen to The Joy of Sunflowers Podcast where you'll find real, raw stories of pregnancy loss, infertility, and stillbirth.

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