Everyone is always quick to offer advice and their little two cents worth when it comes to kids and raising them. Even people without kids have an opinion, and I should know I was one of them. Like most parents, I look back on those misinformed days and smile, cringing at what I thought, said, and told parents. There are many things you learn as a parent, but none are more important than this…

There is always a reason.

Like most people, I grew up thinking that sometimes kids just do stuff. They throw random tantrums, fight with their siblings, and throw up out of the blue. Throwing up is just part of having a baby, right?

Yes and Nope.

The truth I have learned is that there is always a reason.

Just like there is a reason you throw up, and there is a reason you are sad, mad, depressed, or anxious, the same is true for a baby or child.

When it comes to sickness and babies, it's only part of having a baby because you haven't learned your little one just yet, but make no mistake—there is a reason, and once you find it and remedy it, throw-up won't necessarily be part of having a baby, and tantrums and fights don't have to be either. Occasionally, it may happen, but again, there is always a reason.

I have four kids, and every single one had a throw-up moment or two of projectile. There was so much vomit. I was told, after having my first child, that babies just throw up and there is no reason real reason for it; I was also told, 'Maybe you're not burping him enough', 'It's an adjustment for the baby's digestion,' 'it could be your breast milk, maybe he has a problem with it, maybe try bottle feeding.' That last one got me. I produce milk specifically for my baby; even science shows us that the milk is unique to our child. It's different depending on the sex of your child and will change properties if your child is sick. I knew I needed to keep breastfeeding, but something rang true for me: it could be your milk. Then I thought, well, my milk is made from what I eat; what are the high-allergen foods that I eat? Then I thought of the most logical allergy; as my husband was lactose intolerant, I went with milk being the issue. I stopped having all dairy and, no, threw up. It was amazing. This taught me one, there is always a reason; two, take everything people say about babies with a pinch of salt, including professionals; and three, always do your own research. This has happened in every pregnancy with every baby. I try to have dairy and projectile; as soon as I stop having it, they're fine and don't vomit like that again. The last two also came up in a full-body rash, which is also common for milk allergies.

Believe it or not, the terrible twos are actually the terrible ones, twos, and threes if you let them be. That's right, you heard right, if you let them be. Remember, there is always a reason, and tantrums are no exception to that rule. The best way to describe a tantrum, I believe, is a lack of self-control, self-regulation, and resilience. In other words, children lack the ability to calm themselves, understand or express their emotions, and get back to their normal state without having exhausted themselves. Of course, you could say the purpose of tantrums is to teach them these things, but I believe there is a fine line between these things helping them and damaging them. Most of us can say we've tried the put them in a room and shut the door tactic: let them cry it out. Well, my daughter has amazing lungs, and she can scream for over an hour; I know this because I tried the method I was told would work, and though part of me believed it was wrong and detrimental, I tried it anyway, feeling exhausted myself. It was awful and wasn't fruitful at all. We then tried the distraction method; how exhausting! If you have ever tried it, you know you sleep incredibly heavy after that kind of day, and still, there may be more tantrums to come. All of these methods and tactics are band-aids, something to cover or try to heal the wound, but the problem is not skin deep; it goes beyond. If you truly want your child to stop having tantrums, you need to start with the heart issue.

Here are some things to ask yourself

> What television shows is my child watching? What kind of behavior are the characters modeling?
> How is my mood and attitude been? Do I have a good heart attitude?
> What has my child been eating? Have we had a lot of sugary or processed foods? Have we had any colorings or foods that encourage hyperactivity, like orange foods (oranges and carrots are included)?
> Who has my child been hanging around with? What behavior do they exhibit?

Your answers to these questions should shed light on the real issue to deal with.

Fighting like tantrums can often reflect what your children are watching and modeling after. Fights also show deeper heart issues, such as jealousy, envy, greed, anger, and fear. A child will get angry or fearful when they feel threatened, and some will begin to get physical. They will do this with both adults and children; it can be in response to something as seemingly harmless as tiggling; I had this issue with my own son; we would be playing, and then all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, he would start to hit and kick out, it took a few times of this happening for me to realize he wasn't vocal in these moments at all, so I started to prompt him. 'Use your words,' I would say, 'If you don't like something you need to say, don't do that, or the person won't know to stop.' I would comfort him with a cuddle afterward and remind him that I love him and 'I will always stop doing something like tiggles if you ask me. If anyone ever does anything that you don't like or want, you must always tell them.' This is, in many ways, integral for a child to build courage, bravery, and integrity. We as parents must prompt these behaviors as they won't get there on their own. We can also model these things for them when they are trying to play with us, and perhaps it is the wrong time, or they are getting out of hand; we can remind them of how they feel when they want someone to stop doing something. This is important for boys and girls in many ways, as you can imagine. Sadly, in this fallen world, we can be subjected to things, especially in our teenage years, where the ability to say no and stand our ground is our most important skill. Then there are sibling or friend rivalries and fights; often, these are an envy issue; perhaps the child wants something someone else has or is trying to get attention; teaching children self-control, empathy, patience, respect, and kindness can help significantly with these issues. But how do we teach them, right? Well, just saying be patient or share and be kind is not enough on its own; it's a good reminder, but we need practice and modeling in order for these traits to become part of who we are and the things we automatically do.

There is always a reason for your child's behaviors and heart issues. It's our job to help guide them, work it out, and equip them with the best way to cope, deal with, and alleviate the issue. If you focus on the symptoms, you won't be able to cure and prevent the issue; it will keep coming back.

Over time, with my first three now over the tantrum phase and moving in and out of moments of fighting, I have realized that guidance, teaching, and mentoring of the heart are of the utmost importance. As young as two, they are able and capable of talking with you and learning from you; in a mentoring capacity, they already model after you, copying what you do and say. Believe me, even when you think they're not listening or watching you, they are, and they will repeat and copy even if you don't want them to.

My solution is biblical character trait lessons. I use biblical references, which I discuss with them, talking about the meaning behind the verse and then what we can take from it in relation to the character trait we are focusing on; I pick a new trait each week and do activities with the kids to help them act out the character quality. Acting it out helps them remember and call upon the character trait when a problem arises; because you do it with them, you can call on the memory by reminding them about the activity and what it means to feel or act out that character trait.

​Kids are born virtually blank slates; we need to teach them about kindness, respect, self-control, and so many more of the kinds of character traits we hope our children will possess. I have made it my mission to stop hoping and, instead, know that my children will be equipped with the knowledge of these character traits. I am determined to teach them and make sure that they have fun doing it. The terrible ones, twos, and threes truly don't have to be terrible; they can be beautiful; you just have to change your own mindset and approach to how you parent and how you deal with heart issues that arise.

The phrase there is always a reason, has helped me so much and become a kind of mantra to stay on track with the kids. Of course, I'm not perfect by any means, and I have definitely made my mistakes; I can say that we have turned a new leaf, and we are on a newly paved road with so much to learn and explore together. I find that as I teach my children these character traits/qualities, I also change and learn. We are growing together. That's one of many beauties of parenting. We constantly learn from our children as much, if not more so, than they learn from us.